Posts Tagged ‘death’

Ipswich Moon Cult

What is Ipswich Moon Cult?

(Wherefore comfort one another with these words)

I am a very spiritual person, and I take my spirituality very seriously.

My spirituality covers all aspects of my life; I have many spiritual accoutrements at home, and many which I carry about my person.
I often wear a lucky Celtic knot bracelet, for good luck obviously, or carry a magic peridot gemstone amulet to imbue myself with divine wisdom. Sometimes I wear a mystical ruby talisman for warding off the evil-eye. And sometimes, when using public transport, I may wear a Saint Christopher medallion for warding off suicide bombers.

At home I have a Buddhist prayer wheel, which is like a really spiritual executive desk toy, used for stress relief. For meditative purposes, I keep a pouch of Tibetan incense powder and a copy of Kraftwerk’s Computerwelt album. I also have a crystal ball for foretelling the future, a bottle of sacred Hindu oil for hired Eastern European girls to anoint me with, a Native American dreamcatcher hung above my bed, to catch bad dreams I guess, and I have a gilded cow in a shrine, which is just a regular gilded cow in a shrine.

One of my most prized spiritual possessions is called “Bible”, which is an ancient spiritual book written in olden times by Jews. It’s very much like the “The Da Vinci Code” of its day. They made a film of it too, though Robert Powell plays Jesus, rather than Tom Hanks.
Bible can be a bit difficult to read in parts, but I think that was intentional of the author. The writing style changes throughout; in some chapters a kind of spontaneous stream of consciousness style is used, somewhat reminiscent of Jack Kerouac or Hubert Selby Jr; in other chapters a style reminiscent of Dan Brown (but with clumsy word choices, confused structure and poor grammar) is used.
If I were to be honestly critical, much of Bible is just filler; a better editor would have cut out many of the incidental scenes before publishing. Despite this shortcoming, there are some very worthwhile and personally influential parts within the book.

I have copied a couple of passages from Bible to present here:

1 Thessalonians 4
16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God; and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Mark 13
24 But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light.
25 And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken.
26 And then they shall see the Son of Man coming in the clouds with much power and glory.

It is upon these very selectively singled out Bible passages that I have based the entire ideology of my new-found religious faith.

I have sought spiritual inspiration from as far afield as Machu Picchu, Stonehenge, the River Ganges, the “Smoke ’n Toke” headshop, and the Kii Mountains; I have studied the teachings of prophets and gurus; and I have meditated in pursuit of divine guidance. However, it was while flicking through Bible that a heavenly hand pointed me towards the Light, pointing out to me the two passages that would form the basis of the new dogma.
When I read these passages I experienced a revelation, a godly moment of absolute clarity, The Lord descending from heaven; coming in the clouds; meeting us in the air; the dark moon… it could mean only one thing! That Jesus is waiting for us in a holy spaceship parked on the dark side of the moon, and at the end of days he will descend from space to pick up his true followers.

Newly sanctified by the touch of God, and equipped with this sacred knowledge, I immediately set about forming my Moon Cult (The Sacred Church of the Disciples of the Holy Lunar Spaceship of Christ the Patient Redeemer). As the sole Prophet for the one true religion, I was obligated to spread the word of God, and to offer redemption and deliverance to as many people as could afford to pay the one-off and non-refundable spiritual salvation fee of £499.99 and the subsequent administration and subscription fees of £19.99 per week.
It was something of a slow start; I was on my own for a few weeks. However, with discounts for hot chicks and free Moon Cult T-shirts, I began to get a few regular followers.
The girls were awesome; most girls would enthusiastically get it on with the Messiah if only they had the chance. Though I was only the Prophet, rather than the Messiah, I saw no point in getting too pernickety about minor theological details.

Things were looking rosy for the Moon Cult, at least until the beginning of May 2011. I feel a little foolish now, but there was a lot of fuss in the media about the forthcoming rapture, and the cultists were being caught up in the excitement of it all, there was a growing anticipation of the coming of the Lord, and I guess I just got swept along.
The rapture would supposedly happen on the 21st of May, so said the reports in the media. Possibly against my better judgement, I kinda thought that, you know, it could actually be the actual date. I hadn’t heard anything from God directly, but it can be so difficult to go against the crowd sometimes. In fact, if anything, the disciples kinda forced me to act; forced my hand; practically begged me; essentially were asking for it; they asked for what happened to them!

We were to ascend to the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and join him in his holy spaceship while the sinners left on Earth would meet their terrible fate. And so, to enable the cultists to escape their corporeal shells and spiritually ascend to the Lord’s heavenly spaceship, on the 21st, at about 8:30pm, I gathered the disciples together in the Moon Cult compound and served up the Holy Purple Cola.
There was a little bit of bother; some tears; some followers got cold feet; but within an hour all the cultists had received a good serving of the Holy Purple Cola. I of course didn’t need the Holy Purple Cola as I am holy enough already; and my Filipino houseboy didn’t get any as he doesn’t speak English, and therefore is not eligible for eternal salvation.

After a couple of days it had become very clear that something was amiss. I had not ascended to heaven, and there had been no sign at all of Jesus and his spaceship. The bodies of 23 obviously un-ascended disciples littered the Moon Cult compound. Twenty-three festering bodies for me, and my houseboy Tattoo, to dispose of.

Gonna need some new disciples.


The Ultimate Question

What is Brian Black?

(Ideas are bullet proof)

What is Brian Black?

That is the question reached by Tibetan monk, Tenzin Sopa, following his exhaustive 7½ year mediation on the nature of the ultimate question. When pushed for an answer to the question, Tenzin said “Fuck off, I’ve done my bit”, and so it fell upon others to find the answer.

Though the rationale for doing so has long since been obscured by time; in a vain attempt to piece together an answer to the question, a team of a dozen chimpanzees were locked into large suite of rooms in an Ipswich hotel. Provided with a copy of the question and generously/cruelly supplied with twelve typewriters, cigarettes, Viagra, a selection of women’s lifestyle magazines, a UNIVAC I, strong German pornographic videos, a surfeit of heroin and a shit-load of bananas, the chimps set about raping and killing each other.

After nine days, all indications of life had ceased; the rooms were entered and cleared, and searched for signs of an answer. The following details were found to have been scratched into an ape-shit-smeared wall with a piece of broken typewriter:

Brian Black is a partially successful biological experiment, to determine whether a sentient being can be created by way of incubating human male trouser-spaff within the unpleasant and hostile environment of a human female uterus.

Brian Black is a complex primate, with a large brain, opposable thumbs, and two left feet.

Brian Black is an inefficient use of natural resources.

Brian Black is a conceptual device, designed to convey to you the correct thought that you should be having; rather than the incorrect thought that you are having.

Brian Black is unconcerned by the limitless scope of human imagination.

Brian Black is an impenetrable in-joke that you wouldn’t find funny even if it was explained to you in fine detail; especially if it was explained to you in fine detail.

Brian Black is a Leo.

Brian Black is obsolescent 1970s technology, having been largely superseded by microprocessor improvements and cheap Chinese labour.

Brian Black is free of the meddlesome influence of his superego.

Brian Black is a talented artist, a skilled sculptor who works in the often overlooked medium of mashed potatoes.

Brian Black is 180cm, and 17.5cm, and UK size 9.

Brian Black is modestly reluctant to discuss his natural, non-surgically enhanced, physical beauty.

Brian Black is a role model for your life.

Brian Black is a repository for correct opinions, on all manner of topics, which can be dispensed as required when in the presence of intellectually inferior people.

Brian Black is the axis, about which Brian Black’s world revolves.

Brian Black is innocent of all subsequent criminal charges relating to an incident of bizarre animal cruelty in an Ipswich hotel.

Brian Black is 87% an Hero.