Posts Tagged ‘UNIVAC’

The Ultimate Question

What is Brian Black?

(Ideas are bullet proof)

What is Brian Black?

That is the question reached by Tibetan monk, Tenzin Sopa, following his exhaustive 7½ year mediation on the nature of the ultimate question. When pushed for an answer to the question, Tenzin said “Fuck off, I’ve done my bit”, and so it fell upon others to find the answer.

Though the rationale for doing so has long since been obscured by time; in a vain attempt to piece together an answer to the question, a team of a dozen chimpanzees were locked into large suite of rooms in an Ipswich hotel. Provided with a copy of the question and generously/cruelly supplied with twelve typewriters, cigarettes, Viagra, a selection of women’s lifestyle magazines, a UNIVAC I, strong German pornographic videos, a surfeit of heroin and a shit-load of bananas, the chimps set about raping and killing each other.

After nine days, all indications of life had ceased; the rooms were entered and cleared, and searched for signs of an answer. The following details were found to have been scratched into an ape-shit-smeared wall with a piece of broken typewriter:

Brian Black is a partially successful biological experiment, to determine whether a sentient being can be created by way of incubating human male trouser-spaff within the unpleasant and hostile environment of a human female uterus.

Brian Black is a complex primate, with a large brain, opposable thumbs, and two left feet.

Brian Black is an inefficient use of natural resources.

Brian Black is a conceptual device, designed to convey to you the correct thought that you should be having; rather than the incorrect thought that you are having.

Brian Black is unconcerned by the limitless scope of human imagination.

Brian Black is an impenetrable in-joke that you wouldn’t find funny even if it was explained to you in fine detail; especially if it was explained to you in fine detail.

Brian Black is a Leo.

Brian Black is obsolescent 1970s technology, having been largely superseded by microprocessor improvements and cheap Chinese labour.

Brian Black is free of the meddlesome influence of his superego.

Brian Black is a talented artist, a skilled sculptor who works in the often overlooked medium of mashed potatoes.

Brian Black is 180cm, and 17.5cm, and UK size 9.

Brian Black is modestly reluctant to discuss his natural, non-surgically enhanced, physical beauty.

Brian Black is a role model for your life.

Brian Black is a repository for correct opinions, on all manner of topics, which can be dispensed as required when in the presence of intellectually inferior people.

Brian Black is the axis, about which Brian Black’s world revolves.

Brian Black is innocent of all subsequent criminal charges relating to an incident of bizarre animal cruelty in an Ipswich hotel.

Brian Black is 87% an Hero.